Discord

Days come when the heart is heavy.

Unsure of this feeling, we fill up with the pictures and words of others.

We chose to see the better in others’ lives so we can ignore the worse in our own.

We don’t — or rather can’t — sit in sadness without trying to adjust our longing hearts to better things.

We experience so much good on this earth, but we only understand good whenever bad strikes the mind, body, and soul.

What is that discord? What is that sadness we feel some days?

We have so much. Family, friends, a job, school. A full life it seems.

What is that discord? Why do we feel disconnected some days?

We feel far away from the world around us.

We feel lost in some memory un-had.

Lost in the friendships we used to have. Lost in a world imagined instead of lost in the world before us. Lost in who we wish we could be.

This is the hole in our hearts that is not yet filled with the things of God.

We will never be complete on this earth. There will be days of discord because we are not yet with him.

There will be days that feel like bad days because our hearts are lost somewhere else.

Those are the days where we are reminded that our hearts belong to him.

Some days we know come from God, others we know the enemy attacks.

But those days in between that don’t seem to have meaning, where we feel uninspired, unmotivated, unloved. Those. Those are the days we know the longing for something greater is real.

Let us not look at the discord as a bad thing. As a thing to escape. But rather a reminder that Jesus wants to know us. He wants to heal us. He wants to shape us. He wants to change us.

Let those days be an offering of pain. A knowing that Christ is coming back to fill that hole.

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Senior Living

As I sit here tonight writing this post in my room wearing only some yoga pants and a bra, I come with raw thought and emotion. Sorry if the visual is too much but it’s a fitting symbol for my life right now.

I’ve realized there comes a point in life (usually 8,000 times while you’re in college) when you stop and ask yourself, “what am I doing with my life?” “Is this really it?” “A career is a life choice, can I see myself doing what I’m doing FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?” Ummmm… talk about pressure. Why do we kill ourselves at age 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, etc? I get that the job market supposedly sucks and we have to “get ahead” of everyone by getting an education as quickly as possible, but is that really it? Is there really nothing more to life than finding a career that we either thoroughly or somewhat enjoy?

I know what you’re thinking, “this poor little college student needs an excuse not to work so she can live with her parents for the rest of her life…” Trust me that thought has crossed my never-ending-cycle-of-thoughts mind. But no, I just hate that I’m a senior in college wondering if the major I chose is the one I want to walk away with from this university. I’m pretty blessed to walk away from college with hardly any debt thanks to my generous grandfather who believes in the power of education. How could I do that to him? His hard earned money went to my education just so that I never use the degree he paid so much for? I don’t know if I can live with that.

I’m almost finished with school (1 1/2 years left OH PRAISE HIM) but it’s come to a point now where it feels like this isn’t it. I’m not really fit for this career path. I can’t handle everything that comes with it. Is this the truth or a flat out lie that I’m willing to accept? Does anyone know the answers to these questions? I know time will tell and I’ll look back at this season of my life and be grateful that I had these questions, but for now it all seems overwhelming.

The biggest problem with college is that everyone expects you to know what you want. I mean you are paying for it, so you should kinda know what you want to do. Let’s just think about this, people are saying that at age EIGHTEEN you should have an idea of what you want to do. “Oh no, but by the time you’re a junior, you should know.” Oh, okay so a whopping 2 years is gonna decide the career path for me? I hate it. The pressure is unreal and more often than not PEOPLE HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THEY WANT. I don’t even think people who do have careers know what they want. UGH. The struggle.

Where’s the line between sticking with your commitment & realizing something is not for you? I’m not sure I’ll ever have this one figured out. Tonight is one of those nights where my feeble little mind won’t be able to solve all the answers. I’m good at figuring things out, but sometimes I have to let go of what I don’t know and expect that God has this. He knows me, he knows who I am, and he knows what I’m good at. He’ll guide my path. He’ll speak, I just need to listen and follow his desires for me. It’s time to lean into him and trust that he knows what I need.

Come Lord Jesus.