Present

Today we had another snow day. And I’ve mentioned it before but snow days make me really, really contemplative. Like super contemplative.

Anyway, life recently has been a big bang of busy. Good things, yes, but busy. I feel myself so deep into my profession that it is quickly becoming all that I am. But on the days, like snow days, that I don’t have to be anywhere or have a strict timeline, I find myself in the midst of thoughts that need to be reflected upon. I think about how much time I spend thinking, living, eating, and breathing my school-related activities. And if it’s not that it’s my training for the mini. (I’m up to eleven miles, btw). But nonetheless I’ve realized that by giving to people and by giving so much time to my future profession, I’ve forgotten how to be a friend. I see my friends for a few hours on the weekend. I don’t check in on people throughout the week. In fact, I hardly talk to my parents when I get home from a long day. And if I do it’s usually to complain about my frustrations from the day. Some people would say, “well that is just the stepladder to success. Not everyone is going to be there for you in the process of your success.” And to be honest that’s complete crap.

You can have the world and without friendships, community, and loving relationships, nothing matters. Absolutely nothing. As a matter of fact, just tonight I was on Facebook and one of my friends posted something about how she has so much in her life that should make her happy but she just isn’t. Could it be she doesn’t have a lot of friends so she just makes do with material things? Could it be she doesn’t know Jesus and therefore has no purpose? It could be either or both of those things but either way, I believe that the things you think will make you happy never really do. That includes your profession. Should you have purpose and drive? Absolutely. But the minute you live your one and only life for something that could be taken away is the minute you have actually lost it all already.

The most important thing in life is to be present. To be around. To be available. I suck at that and because I suck at that, I have lost a lot of friends. A LOT of friends. One of my deepest fears is not being loved fully for who I am because I have not experienced a friendship where I have been able to love fully and be loved back fully. I’ve tried. And sometimes I have friends who stick around for a while but there’s always someone better, someone greater, someone funnier. No one has ever consistently turned to me or wanted to call me when something good has happened. I can’t help but think this has to be my lack of presence in someone else’s life. If I’m not around why would anyone trust me with their life? If I don’t make the effort, why would the other person?

I’ve realized that I am the classic definition of a loner. I have lots of friends but everyone seems to be at arms reach. I don’t let myself fully known and therefore why should I expect someone to let me fully know them? A good life is built on friendships. The longer you make yourself available to the people in your life, the greater trust they’ll have for you. And I hate that I feel like I burned so many bridges to be present in people’s lives. I hate that I feel like people don’t really love me for who I really am I. I hate that other people get attention for being who they naturally are but I don’t feel like people give me attention for who I naturally am. Is it not the greatest joy in life to be exactly who we are and leave that legacy here on this earth? Yet, why do so many people feel the need to be someone else or someone different?

I want to be present and needed by the people in my life. I don’t want to use the excuse, “I’m just too busy” or “I’ll see my friends on the weekends”. I’m not sure how to flip this switch but at least I know it exists. By the sounds of it, I have a lot of learning to do in this next season of life.

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